Shame Containment Therapy
Shame Containment Therapy (SCT), adapted from shame containment theory, is a new type of therapy which has been developed from my PhD research into shame and compulsive sexual behaviour, as well as my clinical and personal experience of shame.
The importance of this therapy is that it allows us to understand our shame and have a different relationship with it. SCT views shame not as something “wrong” with us, but as a protective response that developed within our early relationships that has carried through into adulthood. When we change our relationship with shame, we have a better relationship with ourselves and others.
Shame generally is not discussed in therapy, as shame as an emotion is not taught in counselling and psychotherapy training. If you have had therapy, but it has not made much difference to how you feel, shame may be the underlying cause of the problem. If you have never had therapy, I hope this model of therapy helps you get to the root of your difficulties quickly and gives you tools to improve your relationship with yourself and your life.
How shame shows up in life
When shame is not recognised, it often hides underneath other problems. You might notice it in:
- Sex and intimacy (avoiding sex, performance anxiety, compulsive sexual behaviour).
- Relationships (people-pleasing, withdrawing, clinging, or pushing people away).
- Work (imposter syndrome, perfectionism, fear of speaking up or going for promotion).
- Family and friendships (walking on eggshells, avoiding conflict, or feeling constantly “not good enough”).
- Your inner world (feeling depressed or anxious without an apparent reason, harsh self-criticism, feeling stuck or broken).
SCT helps you see these patterns not as personal failings, but as understandable responses to earlier attachment injuries and the shame that followed.
The shame process in SCT
In Shame Containment Therapy, shame is understood as a process with five interrelated components.
Attachment injuries: where shame begins
SCT understands shame as an attachment emotion that begins with “attachment injuries” in childhood. Attachment injuries are moments (or patterns) where a caregiver feels unavailable, rejecting, shaming, or emotionally absent, and the child experiences this as threatening to their bond and even to their sense of survival.
These injuries can come from obvious experiences like criticism, humiliation, or abuse, but also from more subtle experiences such as being ignored, not being comforted, or feeling like “too much” or “not enough”. Over time, the child learns to see themselves as the problem (“it must be me”), and shame becomes a way of trying to stay connected and safe.
Contained Shame
Contained shame is the type we carry but have managed to keep at bay. Sometimes we are so good at containing this shame that we don’t even know it is there. I call this contained shame because, although it might be causing us problems and blocks, we are still managing to keep it hidden from others. This part of shame can feel like:
- Imposter syndrome or feeling like a fraud (all imposter syndrome is related to shame)
- Constant worry about what others think of you.
- Deep-down beliefs such as “I’m not good enough”, “I’m unlovable”, or “If people really knew me, they’d leave”.
- Feelings of low self-worth or low self-esteem
Uncontained shame
Uncontained shame is what most people imagine when they think of shame. We don’t feel this shame very often, but when we do, it can feel devastating. It can feel like:
- Your “world has ended”, you want to disappear, or you feel you cannot face people.
- Intense panic or complete shutdown, sometimes with thoughts of wanting to escape life altogether.
These moments are often activated by unexpected events, such as making a mistake or being found out. The shame that was being contained can no longer be held back. Uncontained shame feels overwhelming, which is why the mind and body work so hard to prevent it.
Shame containment strategies
Shame containment strategies are the ways you protect yourself from shame becoming uncontained and overwhelming. They are usually about keeping your contained shame hidden from others and sometimes from yourself.
Some strategies are helpful and socially beneficial, for example:
- Being kind, polite, or helpful.
- Owning up when you make a mistake.
- Using healthy distractions to take a break when feelings are intense.
Other strategies may start as protective but then get in the way of the life you want, such as:
- Avoiding sex, intimacy, or relationships.
- Not speaking up at work or avoiding opportunities.
- Not going for promotions or projects you would actually like.
- Attacking yourself with harsh self-criticism whenever something goes wrong.
- Attacking or blaming others, or using anger in ways that damage relationships.
- Using numbing behaviours (e.g., binge-watching TV, compulsive porn use, overworking) when they begin to take over or interfere with other parts of life.
In SCT, these are not seen as “bad habits” but as understandable ways your system has tried to protect you from the pain of uncontained shame.
Re-containment strategies
Re-containment strategies are what you do after your shame has become uncontained or has “leaked out”. This could be after a big event that felt devastating, or after a smaller moment where something felt “off” but still very uncomfortable.
Examples include:
- Going over an incident in your mind again and again (often called “rumination” or “obsessive thinking”).
- Replaying conversations, rehearsing what you might say, or trying to find excuses or someone to blame.
- Turning on yourself with harsh self-attack (“How could I be so stupid?”).
- Attacking or distancing from others.
- Using numbing activities (e.g., alcohol, porn, mindless scrolling, overeating) to push the feelings down.
- Denying that something affected you or pretending it does not matter.
In SCT, these are understood as attempts to “rescue” yourself from the terror of uncontained shame and bring it back into a more manageable, contained state.
How SCT works in therapy
In Shame Containment Therapy, the work usually involves:
- Exploring your attachment injuries: looking gently at early relational experiences where you felt unseen, shamed, rejected, or abandoned, and how these shaped your view of yourself.
- Identifying your contained and uncontained shame: helping you find words, images, and body sensations for how shame shows up in your life now.
- Mapping your shame containment and re-containment strategies: noticing how you protect yourself, which strategies are still needed, and which ones are now limiting you.
- Developing new, safer strategies: slowly replacing unhelpful patterns with more compassionate, flexible ways of coping and connecting.
The aim is not to “get rid of” shame, because shame is part of how humans stay connected and safe in relationships. Instead, the objective is to help shame do its job without overwhelming you, and to heal the old injuries that made shame feel so dangerous in the first place.
Safety and pacing
In this way of working, your existing strategies are respected as attempts to keep you safe, not criticised or stripped away too quickly. Therapy moves at a pace that feels manageable, with a focus on building enough safety, trust, and support before making significant changes.
Shame Containment Therapy can help you understand where your shame comes from, so it feels less frightening and less like there is “something wrong” with you. Over time, this work can reduce self-criticism, ease anxiety and low mood, and help you feel more confident and connected in your relationships. It can also free up energy that was tied up in secrecy, avoidance, or compulsive behaviours, so you have more space to make choices that fit with who you really are and how you want to live.
